After more than twelve years of personal apostasy, I attended services at my local mormon ward (here in Chandler). It was actually Sally who asked to go. I think I inspired her to try new things because she was eager to see what mormon church was like. Anyhow, on February 17th we attended an LDS church. We didn't go to church the week before because we tried to go to the mormon church but got lost.We took the wimp clause and only attended the first hour of the three hour services. Mormons divide their meetings into three one-hour blocks. The first is sacrament meeting, the second is Sunday school and the third is for priesthood (men) and the relief society (women) which meets separately.
Sally was surprised at how small the chapel was. That and the fact that we didn't adhere to the mormon dress code made us stand out as obvious outsiders. I was cool with it but Sally was very nervous. An usher met us at the door and was asking us the nature of our visit (in a friendly but nosy way). Sally caved under pressure and blurted out that I was a mormon.
I responded that I was actually not a mormon and Sally made sure the usher knew that my parents still were part of the church. I guess she thought we were going to get in trouble for "crashing" their church. I wasn't happy with her because I would prefer that my former affiliation with mormons remain undisclosed.
The services soon started and I was reminded of something I had forgotten about mormons; they suck at singing church hymns. It actually felt like torture to hear the straining, apathetic voices sing in a droning unison. A quick look at the program confirmed my fear that we would be singing three other songs throughout the services. To make matters worse, this congregation decided to sing all the verses of every song while the ward of my youth only sang the first verse.
After singing, the bishop conducted some administrative business. A young man was going to be given the priesthood but needed the vote of the congregation first. I had forgotten about those ward votes and it felt like such an eerie thing. Although, it is funny because it seems to diminish the divinity of the appointment.
The distribution of the sacrament went without a hitch. Sally again was nervous but I just instructed her to signal the deacon that we were declining the sacrament tray and he went away. Sally commented how weird it was that there was no music. I hadn't thought about it but (now that I have been to a couple of other churches) I realized how unnatural and un-spiritual this was.
Finally, we were going to hear the sermons (or as the mormon call them, "talks"). There were three speakers from the congregation (as sermons are not given by clergy); a young woman, an older woman, and an even older man.
The young lady spoke about some conference she had attended and how much she was inspired by the church leaders at that conference. The next lady spoke about how we could better know God. She gave some bogus example of being asked by the bishop to have a personal meeting with God at the temple. In this example, you would be able to speak with Him and even hold Him in your arms.
After those first two speakers we caught a break because instead of another boring congregational hymn, there was a program change that a woman would sing a special song for us. I don't remember the song but I remember not being tortured by our untrained voices. During this time, I pondered about the third speaker.
The first two had been found wanting and I assumed they would at least end the service with a strong, experienced speaker. I was wrong. This guy was the worst, as he was very nervous. His topic was the Holy Ghost and he rambled past our scheduled closing time. The rambling seemed to be solely from nervousness and did not help to clarify my understanding of the subject.
It was strange that all three speakers cried during their talks. This is common at mormon services and seems to be a validation for the speaker's "sincerity. The crux of believing the truth of mormonism comes not from reason and study but from emotions and a "burning in the bosom". I figure this explains why mormons have evolved to be overly emotional at the podium. It is almost used as proof of the truth of their words.
After the closing hymn (gag) and the benediction, the meeting was over ten minutes past schedule. There was an awkward moment when Sally just sat there. Not being raised mormon; she didn't understand the urgency that is necessary to leave the meeting.
If we sat there longer, the usher would likely return to escort us to the investigator's class (for potential converts) and my stomach was already growling. I didn't want to overtly yell "Run for your life!" so I calmly said "I suggest that we go now." We left and returned to my house where we discussed the service and rehashed the experience.
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