A Change of Heart

The following is pasted directly from my blog on MySpace. I am trying to consolidate my blogs.


For years I was apathetic towards religion. I was raised in a mormon church but never really cared too much. I stopped attending services when I was 16 thanks to my part-time job (I asked my boss to schedule me on Sundays). At the age of 18, I joined the US Army (conveniently avoiding the problem of the mormon mission).

I served in the Army for the next nine years and just avoided close-minded, bible-thumper types. I thought about god and religion very little and basically had the viewpoint of an agnostic. I didn't think religions were true for me but didn't care if others believed.

Although my wife of 16 years is not religious, she follows the Navajo traditions and considers herself spiritual. This wasn't a problem for us because I was accepting of her ceremonies and culture and she was content. Discussions of theology and religion were rare and limited in scope.

About four years ago I was sent by the Army for four months of training in Texas. My family couldn't join me so I stayed in a hotel during my stay. While there, I developed insomnia and thought reading the bible would put me to sleep. I grabbed the copy of the bible that was in my room and couldn't put it down.

What surprised me (having never read the bible before) was how it was so obviously wrong. It was apparent that the book was written by men and not inspired by god. It was also clear that those men were intent on controlling the masses and justifying atrocities.

After finishing the bible I told my mom that I didn't believe any of the nonsense I had read. She admitted that she had never read the bible cover-to-cover but assured me that I would have a better perspective after reading the book of mormon. The way she explained it the bible was tainted by men over the centuries but the book of mormon would open my eyes and was "perfectly" translated.

It took me another two years before I finally got around to reading the book of mormon. Actually, I used my iPod by going to the official LDS website and downloading the book of mormon in audio format. I read along with the audio until I was content the audio matched the written words.

I listened while at work and almost cried because I realized that I had been lied to as a kid. The book of mormon is even easier to falsify than the bible. Joseph Smith actually put his own name in the "ancient text" as evidence that he was a prophet. He also referenced Jesus Christ by name in "prophesies" that were very specific to the new testament (a feat that not even the old testament does). The "prophesies" were obviously written after gaining a clear knowledge of the "facts" (probably in 1830 CE).

His use of things that didn't exist in America in 600 BCE included things like horses, iron, chariots, etc. The place names and even some of the characters shared names with places in or near New York state at the time of Smith. Further research online opened my eyes to many other things about Smith and the early church history that I never knew.

I then became resolved to study as much about religions and theology from all walks of life. I have studied judaism, christianity, islam, mormonism, scientology, buddhism, hinduism, and a few others. I have even decided to attend church services from different religions every week. My motive is to understand why people believe so strongly in things to me are obviously false. The more I research the more rooted I become in atheism.

I just wanted to get these things down in black and white while there were still fresh. I feel like I am beginning a journey and I don't know where it will lead. I am willing to discuss my religious research with others but usually find that I am either "preaching to the choir" (pun intended) or talking to a brick wall. I was naive to think others would want to openly discuss their religions.

Even my wife was upset when I told her that I had become an atheist. I don't see much difference between agnosticism and atheism but to her the difference was great. I was shocked to hear her question the validity of our wedding and the future of our marriage. She thought that turning my back on god meant I was turning my back on my commitment to her. The truth is that my devotion and commitment was always to her and not to god.

I've only recently gone to church a few times and will try to post each experience here while the memories are recent. More for myself than anything, I want to accurately record my experiences and research. The discussion forum proved fruitless as I expected at least some intelligent dialog. Instead I got obstinent attitudes and bitter demands for disproof of god in order to disprove christianity. My requests for their evidence were evaded. I am hopeful that this blog will serve my purpose better.